Bay-Scented Rum Cake: 5 Stars!
This cake turned out great and was perfect for our holiday table, though I did make some small substitutions. My father can’t drink, so I subbed the rum in the soak with an equal amount of Robitussin which—before you say anything—he is allowed to have. The flavor wasn’t as intense as I’d hoped, so I added an additional half cup and it was perfect. The cherry flavor really came through, and I probably needn’t tell you its singular buzz is a welcome treat a few hours into hosting family, ha-ha, I jest, truly!
Myself, I’m gluten-free and mostly keto, so I subbed the flour for equal parts organ meat powder and Pork Panko — just pork rinds ground fine, all natural. If you haven’t tried either, get ready to have your mind blown (and for the best poops of your life)!
My sister is vegan, so to distract her from all that powdered meat I added some spirulina and a dusting of her favorite “vegan parm” in lieu of the salt. The parm is mostly yeast and starch, which I personally abhor, but I wanted her to feel “seen” and “taken care of,” both of which she never shuts up about when she’s not crying too hard to talk, ha-ha, and though she still tried to make everybody watch that dismal movie Earthlings at midnight again after drinking all — all! — of the root beer in the house (some of which I’d hoped to save for my next cheat meal, but never mind) she didn’t push it this time. Instead, she curled up really small in the corner of my sectional and fell asleep right in the middle of our dad’s requisite (indeed somewhat Robitussin-fueled) screed about the legions of lizards and kittens and voles he’d personally had to drown on the farm in his day and you didn’t see him throwing a fit. Fast asleep! Like someone had popped her batteries out. She actually looked really sweet in her weird kaftan thing.
Lastly, I baked this in a small, round pan instead of a bundt and doubled the baking powder so it would make a nice dome, because that’s my aesthetic. Domes. My whole house is decorated with domes from around the world — and yes, domes can be found in literally every single country since long before Christ and even the pyramids which, though clearly not domes, I can respect. Anyway, I find domes calming and they have deep spiritual significance for me but I’m not going to get into that just now due to being attacked last time I deigned to share a simple opinion in the comments section of the Coq Au Vin recipe in this very publication — like, sorry you’re not connected to Dome Spirit, Shelly, but maybe you’re just disappointed your chicken didn’t come out good? Maybe you should’ve subbed cough syrup like I suggested? And yes, it’s keto, thank you for asking — sweetened with sorbitol and saccharin and you’d be truly surprised by the wine-like punch both flavor and inebriation-wise, you oughta try it sometime instead of coming for innocent fellow commenters who happen to be awake to the healing and unifying power of domes. Shelly. Just saying here in case you’re reading because I seem unable to comment further under Coq Au Vin for some reason.
Oh! Instead of pecans I used a mix of dried crickets and corn nuts for crunch, which was perfect, but don’t tell my sister, she’ll FREAK! Like, I’m sorry. It’s bugs. Bugs are gross. I don’t make the rules! The Domes do! But again, I’m keeping mum about that. The cake has a really nice bay leaf flavor if you triple them like I did. Great recipe, will make again!
Julia Tausch is a fiction and food writer living in Toronto. She wrote the novel Another Book About Another Broken Heart.
